Nine

Well, hello there again my blog. It's been quite a long time hasn't it? Over two years. And to think the only reason I'm back is because I was attempting to access a new blog I had set up last month. Apparently the same e-mail address connects you and it, as you came up. The other still hasn't, as yet. I'm not sure where it's gone, but I'm sure I had nothing of importance in there. It was certainly a nice surprise to receive you in it's stead. Nice to read all of those things I had written so long ago. Funny, I can see how my mind set has changed, and in what ways it has stayed the same. Very interesting, you know.


Onwards, now.


Good morning! I have returned after an accidental absence due to forgetfulness. It's been crazy, to say the least! I started this blog shortly after moving from Canada to the UK. Since the start of the blog I worked in several different places, gained a niece, moved back to Canada after almost a year and a half in the UK, worked several other places, had several boyfriends (one live-in), had one nervous breakdown, a massive shift in perspective and goals for my life, and have ended up back in the UK to visit. Have been here for just over two weeks now, and it isn't yet decided when I will return to Canada. Funnily enough, the thoughts and concerns in my mind are not too far off what they were when I first started this blog. The cyclical nature of some things is just uncanny, I tell you.



I recall being confused. When one has a foothold in several different places, and that is to say, things, work, or people of interest in several different places, it does tend to make them a little confused. And so I am confused again. Or still. In this case, the case of myself, it is not ever going to change. Half of my family and friends will always be in Canada, and the other half of my family and friends will always be in the UK. Beyond that, I have a foothold in two different places in Canada itself, and go back and forth constantly, which cannot go on. Also, there is the added complications of what we shall call "love interests". Also also, I am doing a course to be TESOL certified... able to teach English as a second language, in Canada or abroad. I've come up with the idea that perhaps, with such demand for teachers of the English language, it could be theoretically realistic for me to spend 6 or so months in Canada, a few months in some new country teaching, 6 months or so in the UK, another few months in yet another country teaching, 6 months back in Canada, and so on and so forth, dividing my time between two countries as "home" countries, and half a dozen other countries as "visiting" countries. I'd be busy as hell. I'd see a lot of the world that way. It would be an amazing experience, even if a difficult one. A huge, amazing experience made up of tons of little amazing experiences. BUT, good luck holding down a relationship while doing any of that, hey? Totally not feasible. Do I make myself alone like that by choice for so long? Would it be that bad to have all that time alone and learn what it's actually like to be alone for a change? Maybe not. Maybe it would suck massively. I do want to do the normal womany thing after all the dashing about like a crazy travelling loon. Get married, have a house, a vegetable garden, keep bees (perhaps that part isn't overly average), have babies, a dog and a cat maybe, and some chickens. Raise my babies, cook the food, clean the house, do the laundry. I tried the housewifey thing, with the "live-in one". I was good at it. I enjoyed it. Everyone was a winner and I knew instantly that I was happy doing it and wanted one day to be a housewife with babies. Natural skill. BUT, I'm also a crazy travelling loon. It's built in, undeniable, unshakeable. I have to do SOMETHING with it, it won't let me bloody settle down!


Now. Stay in Canada, or stay in the UK, or both equally?


And if I say Canada, stay in the place of my current residence, or stay in the place I go to for days every other week, thus interrupting any schedule or semblance of stability at said place of residence? Bit confusing, I know.Just seems like a lot of ORs. This or that, or this, or that, or this AND that, and then this? Ridiculous, I tell you!


I don't imagine I will be any closer to a solid decision any time soon. I do imagine I will be partially disappointed and partially content with each and every decision I could possibly make, though. Inherent in each and every possibility is the inescapable fact that I will be dealing with loss. Missing half a family, half a group of friends, a culture that I have love for, a place I can find beauty and happiness in, a "love interest". What do you do when one doesn't outweigh the other? When pros and cons are equal? There will be a loss for any possible outcome. It will be a sad event as well as hopefully joyful. Sad fact of this life.

I have observed on many occasions that I must come to terms with this constant feeling of missing, of loss, of displacement. I'm just finding it rather impossible at the moment.

Quite sad really.

And quite a lot to enter after such a long time being gone!

Catching up can be a terribly long-winded business, you know.





Tootles!


The crazy travelling idiot.