Well, hello there again my blog. It's been quite a long time hasn't it? Over two years. And to think the only reason I'm back is because I was attempting to access a new blog I had set up last month. Apparently the same e-mail address connects you and it, as you came up. The other still hasn't, as yet. I'm not sure where it's gone, but I'm sure I had nothing of importance in there. It was certainly a nice surprise to receive you in it's stead. Nice to read all of those things I had written so long ago. Funny, I can see how my mind set has changed, and in what ways it has stayed the same. Very interesting, you know.
Onwards, now.
Good morning! I have returned after an accidental absence due to forgetfulness. It's been crazy, to say the least! I started this blog shortly after moving from Canada to the UK. Since the start of the blog I worked in several different places, gained a niece, moved back to Canada after almost a year and a half in the UK, worked several other places, had several boyfriends (one live-in), had one nervous breakdown, a massive shift in perspective and goals for my life, and have ended up back in the UK to visit. Have been here for just over two weeks now, and it isn't yet decided when I will return to Canada. Funnily enough, the thoughts and concerns in my mind are not too far off what they were when I first started this blog. The cyclical nature of some things is just uncanny, I tell you.
I recall being confused. When one has a foothold in several different places, and that is to say, things, work, or people of interest in several different places, it does tend to make them a little confused. And so I am confused again. Or still. In this case, the case of myself, it is not ever going to change. Half of my family and friends will always be in Canada, and the other half of my family and friends will always be in the UK. Beyond that, I have a foothold in two different places in Canada itself, and go back and forth constantly, which cannot go on. Also, there is the added complications of what we shall call "love interests". Also also, I am doing a course to be TESOL certified... able to teach English as a second language, in Canada or abroad. I've come up with the idea that perhaps, with such demand for teachers of the English language, it could be theoretically realistic for me to spend 6 or so months in Canada, a few months in some new country teaching, 6 months or so in the UK, another few months in yet another country teaching, 6 months back in Canada, and so on and so forth, dividing my time between two countries as "home" countries, and half a dozen other countries as "visiting" countries. I'd be busy as hell. I'd see a lot of the world that way. It would be an amazing experience, even if a difficult one. A huge, amazing experience made up of tons of little amazing experiences. BUT, good luck holding down a relationship while doing any of that, hey? Totally not feasible. Do I make myself alone like that by choice for so long? Would it be that bad to have all that time alone and learn what it's actually like to be alone for a change? Maybe not. Maybe it would suck massively. I do want to do the normal womany thing after all the dashing about like a crazy travelling loon. Get married, have a house, a vegetable garden, keep bees (perhaps that part isn't overly average), have babies, a dog and a cat maybe, and some chickens. Raise my babies, cook the food, clean the house, do the laundry. I tried the housewifey thing, with the "live-in one". I was good at it. I enjoyed it. Everyone was a winner and I knew instantly that I was happy doing it and wanted one day to be a housewife with babies. Natural skill. BUT, I'm also a crazy travelling loon. It's built in, undeniable, unshakeable. I have to do SOMETHING with it, it won't let me bloody settle down!
Now. Stay in Canada, or stay in the UK, or both equally?
And if I say Canada, stay in the place of my current residence, or stay in the place I go to for days every other week, thus interrupting any schedule or semblance of stability at said place of residence? Bit confusing, I know.Just seems like a lot of ORs. This or that, or this, or that, or this AND that, and then this? Ridiculous, I tell you!
I don't imagine I will be any closer to a solid decision any time soon. I do imagine I will be partially disappointed and partially content with each and every decision I could possibly make, though. Inherent in each and every possibility is the inescapable fact that I will be dealing with loss. Missing half a family, half a group of friends, a culture that I have love for, a place I can find beauty and happiness in, a "love interest". What do you do when one doesn't outweigh the other? When pros and cons are equal? There will be a loss for any possible outcome. It will be a sad event as well as hopefully joyful. Sad fact of this life.
I have observed on many occasions that I must come to terms with this constant feeling of missing, of loss, of displacement. I'm just finding it rather impossible at the moment.
Quite sad really.
And quite a lot to enter after such a long time being gone!
Catching up can be a terribly long-winded business, you know.
Tootles!
The crazy travelling idiot.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
VIII
I found this little speech looking through an old account of mine on another networking website today. I wrote it at the age of sixteen. I guess this isn't my first blogging experiment after all, this piece was under a tab definitively titled "Blog". Well, here's what was big on my mind at the age of sixteen (No, it had nothing to do with boys, hating my parents, etc).
Don't make yourself someone you aren't. When you buy something, wear something, go somewhere, or do something that you don't particularly like, you're not being you. If you wouldn't normally go there or do that or wear this if your friend hadn't "suggested" it, you're not being you. You're a product of the opinions of others, and you can't really be happy with that. You need to hear something, close your eyes, and decide for yourself whether that's shit you wanna listen to or not. You need to see something and pick it up because something about that object or item of clothing shouts "hey motherfucker" to YOU, not the person standing next to you. When you put something on in the privacy of your bedroom and look in the mirror and think, that's fucking awesome, keep it on. Don't wonder what other people are going to think when they give you the up and down in school, or the mall, or walking down the street. Learn to feel comfortable in your skin, if you like it, who cares who else likes it? There may be a million people who hate it. But do they run your life? If they do, think about it for a minute. Is that right? It's your life. It's your body, your music, your favourite things and places. If you can't figure out what you like most without hearing what your friends like first, there's a problem. When you write something that reflects how you feel or think, and then hide it or get rid of it because you don't know what someone else will think of it, there's a problem. It's human nature to worry about your appearance. But there's a difference between trying on 12 different things because you like all of them equally and can't decide, and trying on 12 different things because you like all of them, but don't know what other people will approve of. It's all about what's important to YOU. My friends are important to me, my cat, my family. It's important to me to shower and wear clean clothes, and to like the clothes that I'm wearing. It's important to me to like what I'm listening to regardless of what others think about it. If it's not important to someone to wear clean clothes or have personal hygiene, that's their choice. They'll in all likeliness smell horrible and look like they live in a cardboard box, but if they really are comfortable in their skin, they aren't going to care what they look like to other people. They know who they are and what they like and dislike. Which is more than can be said for you most likely. You might want to try to get to know them. Their personality could be worth knowing.
If I see something, and choose to use it or wear it for something other than it's intended use, that's my prerogative. There's more than one way to skin a cat. However, there is only one correct way to skin a rabbit, and I believe there is only one correct way to live your life. And that is to live your life THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE IT. So people, when you look in the mirror next, if you dislike what you see, some real searching needs to be done. Maybe you need to find who you are before you become something more than a clone. But once you are yourself, dress the way you choose, listen to what you like, go where you want, and live your life for you, you'll realise you've never been happier in yourself. You'll realise you don't need another person's opinion. You'll realise you can defend every single thing you do with ten times more conviction and ardency than ever before, because you did it for yourself.
Being true to yourself is Beautiful.
I dunno about you all, but I like it. I don't care if I wrote it at sixteen, I see every reason to be proud that this was on my mind enough to write about at sixteen, above all the other bullshit that plagues a teenager's li'l head. Besides, it really wasn't all that long ago. And I'll still admit that I was completely crazy at the time. I'll also admit that I probably still am. But I love the ever-present concern with knowing and being true to oneself.
Also written was a little somethin' about the soul and loving the world.
Don't make yourself someone you aren't. When you buy something, wear something, go somewhere, or do something that you don't particularly like, you're not being you. If you wouldn't normally go there or do that or wear this if your friend hadn't "suggested" it, you're not being you. You're a product of the opinions of others, and you can't really be happy with that. You need to hear something, close your eyes, and decide for yourself whether that's shit you wanna listen to or not. You need to see something and pick it up because something about that object or item of clothing shouts "hey motherfucker" to YOU, not the person standing next to you. When you put something on in the privacy of your bedroom and look in the mirror and think, that's fucking awesome, keep it on. Don't wonder what other people are going to think when they give you the up and down in school, or the mall, or walking down the street. Learn to feel comfortable in your skin, if you like it, who cares who else likes it? There may be a million people who hate it. But do they run your life? If they do, think about it for a minute. Is that right? It's your life. It's your body, your music, your favourite things and places. If you can't figure out what you like most without hearing what your friends like first, there's a problem. When you write something that reflects how you feel or think, and then hide it or get rid of it because you don't know what someone else will think of it, there's a problem. It's human nature to worry about your appearance. But there's a difference between trying on 12 different things because you like all of them equally and can't decide, and trying on 12 different things because you like all of them, but don't know what other people will approve of. It's all about what's important to YOU. My friends are important to me, my cat, my family. It's important to me to shower and wear clean clothes, and to like the clothes that I'm wearing. It's important to me to like what I'm listening to regardless of what others think about it. If it's not important to someone to wear clean clothes or have personal hygiene, that's their choice. They'll in all likeliness smell horrible and look like they live in a cardboard box, but if they really are comfortable in their skin, they aren't going to care what they look like to other people. They know who they are and what they like and dislike. Which is more than can be said for you most likely. You might want to try to get to know them. Their personality could be worth knowing.
If I see something, and choose to use it or wear it for something other than it's intended use, that's my prerogative. There's more than one way to skin a cat. However, there is only one correct way to skin a rabbit, and I believe there is only one correct way to live your life. And that is to live your life THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE IT. So people, when you look in the mirror next, if you dislike what you see, some real searching needs to be done. Maybe you need to find who you are before you become something more than a clone. But once you are yourself, dress the way you choose, listen to what you like, go where you want, and live your life for you, you'll realise you've never been happier in yourself. You'll realise you don't need another person's opinion. You'll realise you can defend every single thing you do with ten times more conviction and ardency than ever before, because you did it for yourself.
Being true to yourself is Beautiful.
I dunno about you all, but I like it. I don't care if I wrote it at sixteen, I see every reason to be proud that this was on my mind enough to write about at sixteen, above all the other bullshit that plagues a teenager's li'l head. Besides, it really wasn't all that long ago. And I'll still admit that I was completely crazy at the time. I'll also admit that I probably still am. But I love the ever-present concern with knowing and being true to oneself.
Also written was a little somethin' about the soul and loving the world.
There is beauty everywhere.
Let your soul feel what's unlike anything else,
taste the wonder in possibility,
smell the seasons as they move,
hear the laughter and the pain...
the sounds of a world full of lives living life.
the sounds of a world full of lives living life.
And love it all.
Apparently, being 16 is the shit... You start finding out who you are, you learn the world has a lot to offer (and it's there if you want it enough), you get to spend hours finding cute photos and sticking them in your photobucket... like this one:
And these:
7
The truth about white tigers. In case you didn't know.
So, here I am, thinking about the fact that I've ignored my blog for days. I think my excuse of being ill is quite good enough, 'cause just the thought of writing something made my stuffed-up head hurt. Tonight I was trying to choose something to write about, seeing as how I feel like it now, and settled on a fact about tigers. Anyone I've ever brought this topic up to has not known this fact. So, here it is!
The only way to produce a white tiger is through inbreeding. Brother to sister, daughter to father, mother to son. The white tiger is a genetic aberration. Think a Siberian tiger is white? Think the white Bengal tiger is a species of tiger all on it's own? Horseshit. Myths used to make the public believe these are endangered species of tiger that need to be protected for future generations (so they can make more of them to make money off of). People don't just do this to tigers either, and it doesn't just effect the colour of their coat.
"White Tigers can ONLY exist in captivity by continual inbreeding, such as father to daughter, brother to sister, mother to son and so forth. The white lions and golden tabby tigers are merely a product of this practice of inbreeding for white coats as well and are not being bred for any sort of conservation program either. ALL white tigers are cross eyed, whether it shows or not, because the gene that causes the white coat always causes the optic nerve to be wired to the wrong side of the brain. That is why white tigers are such a favorite of the tiger-tamer-wannabes; they are far more dependant upon their masters." ~ Founder of Big Cat Rescue
The inbreeding that causes the much sought-after and prized white tiger also causes defects, early deaths and still-births. The tiger's are also not too bright, hence the preference for their use in entertainment. Zoos, private breeders, and circuses do not breed white tigers for conservation purposes, but for economic reasons. The white tiger brings with it more revenue than a regular tiger. They cannot be used for conservation purposes because of their mixed ancestry, having been hybridized with other subspecies. So, if you're asked to donate to any fund for saving white tigers... call bullshit. Because now you know white tigers cannot serve any conservation purpose, and the breeding of more white tigers will only produce little tigers with defects, who may die early, or never take their first breath at all. Breeding white tigers is not for the salvation of all tigers, it is for profit. In fact, the Tiger Species Survival Plan has condemned the breeding of white tigers.
Only 1 in 4 cubs from a white tiger bred to an orange tiger carrying the white gene will be white. If a private breeder is breeding only for a white tiger, what happens to the other 3 (orange)that are not wanted? Respectable establishments will not purchase the offspring of a white tiger in order to not promote the aberration. Furthermore, 80% of the cubs that do turn out white will die of birth defects, or have such pronounced birth defects as to make them no good for show. Cleft palates, eyes crossed so badly they bulge from the skull, mental impairments, scoliosis of the spine, etc. These defects eliminate their worth altogether. The number of tigers that must be bred and destroyed to fill the public's desire for white tigers is atrocious.
"Big Cat Rescue has never taken in a white tiger before because we did not want to enable people to dispose of their “defective” cats and cause so much more suffering and abuse by having an easy dumping ground for the cats who didn’t serve them. Even though Zabu is black and white, the decision of whether or not to rescue her was not. When Zabu and Cameron’s plight came to our attention we had to think long and hard about whether or not we would have a white tiger on our tour. We didn’t want to be perceived as using a white tiger to draw visitors.
Many times on our tours we tell guests about the fraud that has been promoted to the public about white tigers and talk about all of our golden tigers who ended up unwanted and abandoned at our door because they were the wrong color. Now we were considering turning away a white tiger because she was the wrong color. In her case the facility was being shut down and by rescuing her we were not enabling the owner to breed more and we were keeping a cat of prime breeding age from falling into the hands of people who would breed her to death." ~ Founder of Big Cat Rescue
So, now you know. Next time you go to a zoo who has white tigers and/or has a breeding program for white tigers... not much ethics involved there, just economics. Please do not ever donate to a fund for the breeding of white tigers. They are NOT an endangered subspecies of tiger, they are an inbred variety of subspecies. A large percentage are subject to birth defects and therefore destruction due to lack of 'worth', the rest are used for money because their slowness and mental impairments make them more agreeable to the trainer, and as such a real money-maker.
So, here I am, thinking about the fact that I've ignored my blog for days. I think my excuse of being ill is quite good enough, 'cause just the thought of writing something made my stuffed-up head hurt. Tonight I was trying to choose something to write about, seeing as how I feel like it now, and settled on a fact about tigers. Anyone I've ever brought this topic up to has not known this fact. So, here it is!
The only way to produce a white tiger is through inbreeding. Brother to sister, daughter to father, mother to son. The white tiger is a genetic aberration. Think a Siberian tiger is white? Think the white Bengal tiger is a species of tiger all on it's own? Horseshit. Myths used to make the public believe these are endangered species of tiger that need to be protected for future generations (so they can make more of them to make money off of). People don't just do this to tigers either, and it doesn't just effect the colour of their coat.
"White Tigers can ONLY exist in captivity by continual inbreeding, such as father to daughter, brother to sister, mother to son and so forth. The white lions and golden tabby tigers are merely a product of this practice of inbreeding for white coats as well and are not being bred for any sort of conservation program either. ALL white tigers are cross eyed, whether it shows or not, because the gene that causes the white coat always causes the optic nerve to be wired to the wrong side of the brain. That is why white tigers are such a favorite of the tiger-tamer-wannabes; they are far more dependant upon their masters." ~ Founder of Big Cat Rescue
The inbreeding that causes the much sought-after and prized white tiger also causes defects, early deaths and still-births. The tiger's are also not too bright, hence the preference for their use in entertainment. Zoos, private breeders, and circuses do not breed white tigers for conservation purposes, but for economic reasons. The white tiger brings with it more revenue than a regular tiger. They cannot be used for conservation purposes because of their mixed ancestry, having been hybridized with other subspecies. So, if you're asked to donate to any fund for saving white tigers... call bullshit. Because now you know white tigers cannot serve any conservation purpose, and the breeding of more white tigers will only produce little tigers with defects, who may die early, or never take their first breath at all. Breeding white tigers is not for the salvation of all tigers, it is for profit. In fact, the Tiger Species Survival Plan has condemned the breeding of white tigers.
Only 1 in 4 cubs from a white tiger bred to an orange tiger carrying the white gene will be white. If a private breeder is breeding only for a white tiger, what happens to the other 3 (orange)that are not wanted? Respectable establishments will not purchase the offspring of a white tiger in order to not promote the aberration. Furthermore, 80% of the cubs that do turn out white will die of birth defects, or have such pronounced birth defects as to make them no good for show. Cleft palates, eyes crossed so badly they bulge from the skull, mental impairments, scoliosis of the spine, etc. These defects eliminate their worth altogether. The number of tigers that must be bred and destroyed to fill the public's desire for white tigers is atrocious.
"Big Cat Rescue has never taken in a white tiger before because we did not want to enable people to dispose of their “defective” cats and cause so much more suffering and abuse by having an easy dumping ground for the cats who didn’t serve them. Even though Zabu is black and white, the decision of whether or not to rescue her was not. When Zabu and Cameron’s plight came to our attention we had to think long and hard about whether or not we would have a white tiger on our tour. We didn’t want to be perceived as using a white tiger to draw visitors.
Many times on our tours we tell guests about the fraud that has been promoted to the public about white tigers and talk about all of our golden tigers who ended up unwanted and abandoned at our door because they were the wrong color. Now we were considering turning away a white tiger because she was the wrong color. In her case the facility was being shut down and by rescuing her we were not enabling the owner to breed more and we were keeping a cat of prime breeding age from falling into the hands of people who would breed her to death." ~ Founder of Big Cat Rescue
So, now you know. Next time you go to a zoo who has white tigers and/or has a breeding program for white tigers... not much ethics involved there, just economics. Please do not ever donate to a fund for the breeding of white tigers. They are NOT an endangered subspecies of tiger, they are an inbred variety of subspecies. A large percentage are subject to birth defects and therefore destruction due to lack of 'worth', the rest are used for money because their slowness and mental impairments make them more agreeable to the trainer, and as such a real money-maker.
Thursday, 1 April 2010
Shix.
Confidence Boosters.
The all-famous "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." ~W. C. Fields
"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person that you are." ~Author Unknown
"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." ~ Henry Ford
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
"Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions." ~Author Unknown
"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway." ~Mary Kay Ash
"Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown." ~Author Unknown
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers." ~Veronica A. Shoffstall
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
"To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I'." ~Ayn Rand
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson
The all-famous "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." ~W. C. Fields
"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person that you are." ~Author Unknown
"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." ~ Henry Ford
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
"Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; it comes from being open to all the questions." ~Author Unknown
"Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway." ~Mary Kay Ash
"Always act like you're wearing an invisible crown." ~Author Unknown
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers." ~Veronica A. Shoffstall
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss
"To say 'I love you' one must first be able to say the 'I'." ~Ayn Rand
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Five
Dogma. A film. A satire of the Catholic Church and Catholic beliefs. So what did Catholics do?
Ignore it during the actual filming process and pre-production, then plague it with protests and controversy. The director received over 30,000 pieces of hate mail.
The controversy was over a perceived anti-Christian message in the film. But isn't it just a little non-Christian to send hate mail? If you don't like it, just don't watch it. Don't let your children watch it. Don't recommend it to anyone. I'm sure sending hate mail is not going to do anything but give a bad rep to Christians. No wonder non-believers think we're crazy. Look how many of us act crazy.
Furthermore, if you're going to boycott one movie with "bad" content, you might as well boycott ALL movies, except those made with a religious intent that suits your beliefs.
No one is entirely successful at living a good Christian life, but do you seriously have to go out of your way to look like a lunatic and do something that's decidedly unworthy of the 'loving your neighbour' idea? Geez. You make us all look like hypocritical loonies.
Ignore it during the actual filming process and pre-production, then plague it with protests and controversy. The director received over 30,000 pieces of hate mail.
The controversy was over a perceived anti-Christian message in the film. But isn't it just a little non-Christian to send hate mail? If you don't like it, just don't watch it. Don't let your children watch it. Don't recommend it to anyone. I'm sure sending hate mail is not going to do anything but give a bad rep to Christians. No wonder non-believers think we're crazy. Look how many of us act crazy.
Furthermore, if you're going to boycott one movie with "bad" content, you might as well boycott ALL movies, except those made with a religious intent that suits your beliefs.
No one is entirely successful at living a good Christian life, but do you seriously have to go out of your way to look like a lunatic and do something that's decidedly unworthy of the 'loving your neighbour' idea? Geez. You make us all look like hypocritical loonies.
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
IV
"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."
~Unknown
~Unknown
III
There she was. Lying in that single bed, squinting at the light filtering through the window. She'd been woken by a noise, what noise? She placed it. A little girl. A little girl that probably hadn't been fed yet, bathed, dressed, nothing. She got up to see to the little girl that wasn't hers, tripping over toys on her way to the door. It was afternoon, the sun was very high, reflecting off the snow on the balcony like a billion tiny diamonds that stabbed at the eyes. She closed the balcony's blinds halfway, and went to pour a bowl of cereal for the little girl, who was wandering about in a shirt and panties, hair a tangled mess on her head.
Walking to the balcony and opening the sliding door, she lit a cigarette. Coughing, she felt the pain of having smoked too much the night before. Closing her eyes, she felt the pain of having drank too much the night before. Feeling the ground shift, she felt the aftermath of having done too much of something she couldn't quite recall the night before. What was it called again? It didn't really matter.
She instructed the child to go away from the smoke when she came too close to the balcony door. The child wanted to be played with, or read to. She put out the cigarette, sat down to read to the little girl. The little girl's mother wandered out of another room, also in shirt and panties. She could see the mother flitting about in the kitchen in her peripheral vision. They spoke, nonsense about how they felt physically. Bullshit about how fun the night was. At least one of them knew they were killing themselves. At least one of them knew all the problems they had were caused by themselves. At least one of them could see the mistakes, however uncorrected they stood.
She saw partly to the dressing of the girl, and did the girl's hair. She didn't dress herself, though the mother did. She wished for a moment alone. She never got a moment alone anymore. They were always together. She didn't know what she felt anymore.
Later in the day, as the sun started to go down, the mother phoned the babysitter. Dressing herself, she readied the child that wasn't hers, and took her to the babysitter's. Inventing some excuse, as was normally done, for why the mother couldn't be there herself dropping the little girl off, she deposited the child and went back to the apartment. Both women got ready to go out in the city.
Another drive, knowing she would be driving home drunk and probably high, she ventured into the city with her partner in crime. They went to a club, and then another. They drank too much, flirted for free shots, danced unnecessarily shamelessly, and jonesed for another form of entertainment. They bought some, and disappeared into the ladies bathroom. Shortly after, they walked about looking at the men, pupils dilated, jaws clenching, licking their lips. Who knew how the night would end? It was open to fancy. They were invincible. They were on top of the world. Ripping up the town, owning everyone in their path.
They were destroying themselves. Damning and abusing their own souls. Killing themselves. One of them knew it. At least one of them knew it.
Walking to the balcony and opening the sliding door, she lit a cigarette. Coughing, she felt the pain of having smoked too much the night before. Closing her eyes, she felt the pain of having drank too much the night before. Feeling the ground shift, she felt the aftermath of having done too much of something she couldn't quite recall the night before. What was it called again? It didn't really matter.
She instructed the child to go away from the smoke when she came too close to the balcony door. The child wanted to be played with, or read to. She put out the cigarette, sat down to read to the little girl. The little girl's mother wandered out of another room, also in shirt and panties. She could see the mother flitting about in the kitchen in her peripheral vision. They spoke, nonsense about how they felt physically. Bullshit about how fun the night was. At least one of them knew they were killing themselves. At least one of them knew all the problems they had were caused by themselves. At least one of them could see the mistakes, however uncorrected they stood.
She saw partly to the dressing of the girl, and did the girl's hair. She didn't dress herself, though the mother did. She wished for a moment alone. She never got a moment alone anymore. They were always together. She didn't know what she felt anymore.
Later in the day, as the sun started to go down, the mother phoned the babysitter. Dressing herself, she readied the child that wasn't hers, and took her to the babysitter's. Inventing some excuse, as was normally done, for why the mother couldn't be there herself dropping the little girl off, she deposited the child and went back to the apartment. Both women got ready to go out in the city.
Another drive, knowing she would be driving home drunk and probably high, she ventured into the city with her partner in crime. They went to a club, and then another. They drank too much, flirted for free shots, danced unnecessarily shamelessly, and jonesed for another form of entertainment. They bought some, and disappeared into the ladies bathroom. Shortly after, they walked about looking at the men, pupils dilated, jaws clenching, licking their lips. Who knew how the night would end? It was open to fancy. They were invincible. They were on top of the world. Ripping up the town, owning everyone in their path.
They were destroying themselves. Damning and abusing their own souls. Killing themselves. One of them knew it. At least one of them knew it.
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